I Stopped Dreaming

Over the course of my freshman year in college, I’ve changed my mind near a billion times. The choices, possibilities, and opportunities for my young age at this university is endless. I felt overwhelmed. Most of the time, I felt scared. I always found myself thinking what would become of me in the future? The pressure from the family did not help a single bit. I felt like I needed time, space, and quietness to think and to eventually realize what I wanted to do without the cloud of everyone else’s voices in my head, but I didn’t have the time. I knew that the time to act was at that moment. I just recently found comfort in knowing I’m not alone: I’m not the only person who has these thoughts.

Looking back, I didn’t even have a motivation. I was just moving in the direction that the wind was taking me, not even sure whether to go with the wind or to fight against it. You could say I was lost.

Whenever I thought about what I was and what I could become, I always find it odd that my friends and family just assumed I wanted to be a lawyer. At first I thought the notion was because I’m enrolled in Political Science, but then I realized that people have been assuming this so called lawyer dream of mine since pretty much forever, even before I got hold of my college application forms and even got an idea of what I would put in there. Did I want to become a lawyer? Is that what brought me to Political Science?

It doesn’t help that my mind has a tendency of wanting something which is against what everyone else wants. Sometimes, I regret these wants afterwards, thinking they are just products of my rebellious tendencies. Could this get any harder?

I can’t remember what it feels like to be passionate about something. My adviser asked me what do I really want to do, and at that point i didn’t know.

Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I know that I am still open to other possibilities. I also know that a part of me (probably a very big part) always wanted to become a lawyer. I guess going to college and seeing more of the real world just scared me out of my ambitions. I used to be so filled with ambition and drive, as my grade 7 teacher had always said, but the concept of failing terrified me. What if I don’t pass this? What if this? What if that? What if bla? I guess those lingered in my mind. I started thinking of what is safe and what could assure me of this and that: things that never even entered my mind before. I guess that’s the reason I stopped dreaming.



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