It has been very blatant to myself and the people around me that I have been overwhelmed with stress, anger, frustration, exhaustion and other negative emotions recently. I’ve been lost and confused. I haven’t been myself. Of course, the real world does not care about such emotions so to-do lists just kept getting longer and longer and the expectations of some just kept rising. I haven’t really been myself, honestly. I’ve had breakdowns. I’ve had periods of time when I felt like another person or have done things out of my character.
Obviously, there has been too much negativity around me. Too much tension. Too much exposure to toxic environments.
The one week school break for Holy Week, although it is not a real vacation as I have to handle so many tasks, has given me time to reflect. I stopped working midday Maundy Thursday to honor the Lord and honestly just to give myself a break. Now, I can’t even sleep because of the surge of inspiration that suddenly rushed through my body.
I finally felt what I’ve been wanting to feel for what seems like the longest time. I’ve been eliminating emotion from my work because all my emotions have been negative. Hence, I worked like a robot, but a machine which is at the verge of breaking down would probably be a more accurate description. I finally remember what it’s like to be inspired, empowered, and passionate: things people who knew me from high school described me as, things I felt I no longer were.
I’m giving myself Good Friday off. I don’t know if I would regret this decision later as I already know that I’d have to make up for this rest day with sleepless nights. I do know that I need this. I need this to be sane. I need this now because later might be a worse time. I need this now, so I can stop working like a slug and be inspired instead. I’m going to allow myself to be inspired.
I’m going to put myself first for now because I cannot serve others if I am not well. 🙂